New Shlock Rock Album--Name Your Own Price!

My pal Lenny Solomon has done it again! This time, he's the first to offer an all-new, full length album as an exclusive download--and you get to name your price!

That's right, pay whatever you want, from a measly $1 all the way up to full price of $15 and get the album NOW as a direct download. If you pay full price, you will also get a CD mailed to you.

(And you know, BTW, that you can always burn your own CD from your downloaded album if you need one to play in the car and keep the kids quiet).

This is for real folks, not like the "suggested donation" at the museum where they say 5 cents and then shake you down for $24.99 for adults and $18.99 for children. What's with that, anyway? Is it a suggested donation or a mandatory price? What up with the pretentiousness? But I digress.

Lenny has worked his tuchas off for this album and it's a steal at any price, but go check it out right now at Shlock Rock.com!!

And as long as I'm writing a post here, WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ANY OF MY ALBUMS IN YOUR COLLECTION??? Go to MosheSkier.com and download one of my albums, from iTunes or Amazon (or order a CD)! Plus, there's plenty of free music to download as well.

It's a Jewish Music download EXTRAVAGANZA!!!!

ACT NOW!!

QUANTITIES are UNLIMITED!!

The Watch

The Watch

A Timex

A brown Timex Expedition

With the faux leather strap

It is old, perhaps ten years

Perhaps more

It is in the pictures when my last child is born

It is very old

The brown strap is gone, long ago

The replacement strap has broken, finally

The next band will not stay in place

The face is scratched

I cannot tell seven from one

It still works, wakes me up every morning at 5

It is time for a new watch

The Mall

The Kiosk

My wife has decided

It is time for a new watch

She will treat me

There are four sides to the Kiosk

Scores of watches in displays

Revolving displays for the cheaper brands

I browse

I walk in circles

I revolve about the Kiosk

I cannot decide

DECIDE!

I don't have all day!

I orbit the kiosk

What about this one?

No, I can't have a face watch

My life is ruled by appointments

15 minute appointments

All day

I need PRECISION!

I need to SEE the numbers!

So you want digital

There are many choices

DECIDE!

I am orbiting faster now

It will not be found in the display cases

Those are too expensive

Why pay for $200 watch that doesn't have any numbers?

I am not ornate

I don't want a piece of jewelry

THE MALL WILL CLOSE SOON!

Look at the little revolving displays

You can choose

Cascio or Timex?

There are numbers

Many features

I don't need these features!

I don't go diving!

This watch will never see 20 fathoms!

Although I do the dishes...

THEY ARE ALL WATERPROOF!

I don't need seven stopwatch settings

I don't need four time-zones

What about this one? It looks nice

Where is the date?

Here, 21, don't you see it

Yes, but what month?

Do you mean to tell me that you graduated medical school but you don't know what month it is??

Don't you understand?

My life is ruled by appointments

I look at my watch all day

I write notes and prescriptions all day

I look at my watch and write the date each time

8/21/09

I NEED THE MONTH!

FINE! CHOOSE! DECIDE!

I don't like the Cascios

These Timex watches are too expensive

$70 for a watch?

I don't need 5 different alarms

Wait

What's this?

A Timex

A brown Timex Expedition

With a faux leather strap

Perfect

A shake of the head.

He'll take it.

The Tailor of Glendale

The place was hard enough to find, buried, as it was, within the parking structure itself. As I left my car and approached the storefront, marked simply "Tailor," it seemed to me that the shop had been there forever, that perhaps after a long and protracted battle, the Corporation had simply given up and built the Super Mall and its parking around it.

I entered the empty front parlor and waited to be acknowledged. As I did, I took in the surroundings. A typical tailor’s shop: potted plant…counter and register…tape measures on the wall…the floor length mirror…the dressing room. Through the doorway, the sewing room, with a wall-sized poster of "The Tailor of Panama." Surely, I thought, this movie is to tailors what "Edward Scissorhands" is to barbers. I chuckled.

At this, he finally entered the room. A wiry, gray-haired, neatly dressed gentleman. He sized me up as well. As he did, a sour expression appeared on his face. Later, on my way home, I would try to convince myself that this was a result of a bad lunch, or possibly some ethnic affectation, and not a personal reaction to my appearance, as the expression never left his face the entire time I was with him.

I waited for him to speak.

Finally I stammered, "The man from Boston Store…he told me to see you…" I hoisted my suit bag.

"You are the vun hoo called." It was a statement. I nodded. "Please, to put on."

I went into the dressing room and began to change. As I did, the band came off of my watch and it flung itself to the floor. I cursed to myself and went down to pick it up and attempted to put it back together with one hand while I held up my pants with the other. The watchband was new. I don’t know how old the watch was. Maybe it was time for a new watch altogether, I thought. The tailor was witness to none of this, thankfully. I could only imagine what new contortions such a spectacle would bring to his features.

I emerged and stood in front of the mirror. I looked at myself, thinking I don’t look quite as dashing as I though I would. Again, in retrospect, this is actually a compliment to the cut of the suit, as usually I look at myself and think, I have GOT to lose weight.

The tailor returned from his inner sanctum and clearly was not impressed. He scowled further and said, "You hev jacket?"

I returned with the jacket in hand. "The man at Boston store," I began again, "he said that the collar should be pinched…" I attempted to pantomime the effect. He waved me off.

"Put on…please." Clearly he had no interest in what the Man from Boston Store thought. I wonder if the MFBS would continue to send him business if he knew that.

Immediately I felt him go to work with the marking chalk. Hacking and slashing at my back as though it were a dagger, or maybe a scalpel. I tried to think of my grandfather. He was a tailor. I remembered finding a box full of the little rectangular chalk in his office. At the time, I thought it was hotel soap. The tailor spoke and brought me out of my reverie.

"OK, take off…please."

I obliged. He looked at my waist. "How is waist."

"A little snug," I replied, immediately thinking I should have said "tight", because maybe he doesn’t know what "snug" means. No matter. Again with the slashing on my backside. I could only hope that meant he would let it out a bit.

I have had trouble with suits for many years. Before my wedding, I went to Syms on Queens Boulevard and bought a black suit off the rack. It required no alterations. I beam from my wedding photos in that suit, a smooth-shaven, white-toothed, lean Adonis of a youth, embracing his new fashion-model bride. I don't know where that guy went. Some time after the wedding I turned into the shlump staring back at me in floor length mirror. The one with the orthopedic shoes, who has to buy suits either too big and tailored down or too small and tailored up.

The tailor crouched now, like a tiger, and looked at those shoes. If dyspepsia was something that could be seen, his face was now the very description of that term.

"You vill vear these shoes…?"

I attempted to answer, but only a faint grunt emerged.

He persisted. "You vill vear…these…shoes…vith this suit…?"

I felt like I was trapped. Caught in a cross-examination, with the light burning into my eyes. There was no escape. Briefly I thought I would explain my spine issues to him, my scoliosis, my leg-length discrepancy, my years of hoisting amplifiers over my head, the hours standing in shul, the miles of hospital corridors I walk daily, my increasing conviction that comfortable footwear with appropriate inserts can cure back pain. Somehow, I reasoned, none of this would impress the impeccably dressed man from the former Soviet Union.

Instead I answered weakly, "yes."

Satisfied that he had broken me, he proceeded to mark my cuffs.

I changed back into my street clothes, the bright aquamarine shirt and brown tie, that I had fielded questions about all day. "No, it’s not turquoise." "Yes, it is bright." "My wife bought it for me." That generally shut them up. I supposed he wouldn’t be impressed if I told him that it was $3.99 at Penny’s with 30% off. No, I didn’t suppose he’d be impressed one iota.

I left the suit on the hook for him. When he reemerged from his chambers, he eyed the suit in disgust. "Vhere is hanger?" he demanded.

"Oh…I…" He shoved me aside and expertly folded the pants, replaced the jacket, and pulled down the suit bag, all with one hand, and I’m not sure, but possibly without looking, because it seemed he managed to beam me the evil eye at the same time.

Finally, the time came for reckoning. We moved to the ancient cash register. He pulled out a card. Now, for the first time, I could see a smile emerging on his face. He eyed me again, up and down. Taking in the aquamarine shirt, the pens in pocket, the mismatched tie and Dockers pants.

He knew he had me. I was defeated. He was the victor. There was nothing I could do.

"You vill return in two veeks."

Yes Master, was all I could think.

Jerusalem of Gold

Here's a song I recorded with my son Kovi, who's off in the Holy Land now:

Jerusalem of Gold

Right click (or control click on a Mac) to download

Shoshanas Yaakov in HD

Bar Yochai - Free Song

Just in time for the Holy Day of Lag BeOmer, the MSB has recorded a new song honoring Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai, called...er...Bar Yochai!

You can take a listen over at Kfarcenter's Website, or download it to your computer/iPod/MP3 player from here.

Happy Bonfire!

Facebook Killed the Blogger Star

Wanderer made a comment about your note "Attack of the Seven Year Old Shnorrers":

What's most impressive is that you're blogging on Facebook....

Mark also commented on his note "Attack of the Seven Year Old Shnorrers":

"I thought I'd give it a try. What do you think? I think I liked Psychotoddler better. Plus Dr. Bean’s not here :-("

From: Wanderer Sent: Friday, April 24, 2009 8:46 AM

To: Dr. Bean; Mark

Subject: Fwd: Mark also commented on his note...

I think FB gives you a captive, target audience, whereas there is more opportunity for a wider audience with PT.

Maybe we can get Dr. Bean to sign up so he can again enjoy the fruits of your labor?!?
He knows he wants to...

From: Dr. Bean

Sent: Friday, April 24, 2009 10:56 AM

To: Wanderer, Mark

Though I miss the blog-crazy days deeply, and I also miss Mark, another online time sink is not what I need in my life right now. For what it’s worth I’m not even seeing Wanderer as much as I’d like, and he lives right here.

From: Mark

Sent: Friday, April 24, 2009 9:20 AM

To: Dr. Bean, Wanderer

Cc: Mrs. Balabusta

Subject: RE: Mark also commented on his note...

But then how am I going to be able to tell you about what happened to my pager?

On Fri, Apr 24, 2009 at 9:29 AM, Dr. Bean wrote:

Email, my friend, email. That’s how middle aged folk communicate. Not your wacky new-fangled FaceBook or My Space. That’s for kids. Like that rock and roll stuff…

From: Wanderer
Sent: Friday, April 24, 2009 9:42 AM

Email? That's so late 20th Century. What next - voice mail?

It is a common misconception that Facebook is for kids. Silly rabbit, MySpace is for kids. Facebook is for adults who want to waste time just like their kids do on MySpace...

On Fri, Apr 24, 2009 at 9:47 AM, Dr. Bean wrote:

Yes, that’s true. And that’s not my real objection to it. My real objection to it is that I don’t have a good strategy for how I would interact with patients on it. I would probably do it if it wasn’t for that.

From: Mark

Sent: Friday, April 24, 2009 10:00 AM

The issue is more about limiting what I would say knowing that there's a patient who might read it, and I'm already doing that anyway. Like the pager story is definitely not going up there.

On Apr 24, 2009, at 5:53 PM, Dr. Bean wrote:

Can we hear the pager story already? Oh, I guess it’s already Shabbat there. Well, there it’s Shabbos. Anyway, Sunday will you email me the story?

From: Wanderer

Sent: Sunday, April 26, 2009 8:31 PM

Shabbat is long gone, and still no pager story. It's 1130 in Milwaukee, he's probably asleep...

On Apr 26, 2009, at 8:39 PM, Dr. Bean wrote:

I suspect foul play. Hey, Wanderer why don’t you give him a call to check on him? Wait another hour or two though.

From: Wanderer

Sent: Sunday, April 26, 2009 8:40 PM

Definitely foul play. Do you think Mrs. B’s involved again?

On Apr 26, 2009, at 8:42 PM, Dr. Bean wrote:

There’s only one way to tell. One of us has to call.

From: Wanderer

Sent: Sunday, April 26, 2009 8:46 PM

I'm scared. Its not like the old days when we could read about Mark openly on Psychotoddler. Now we need passwords and stuff to read his blog on Facebook.

Frankly, this new hush hush way of blogging has me worried. I'm afraid to call. You do it.

On Apr 26, 2009, at 8:47 PM, Dr. Bean wrote:

Ok. We’ll use this way to decide which one of us calls:
I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 10. Guess which it is.

From: Wanderer

Sent: Sunday, April 26, 2009 8:50 PM

Here are the numbers you're thinking of:
mobile 414.555.1212
home 414.555.2345
Dial away!

On Apr 26, 2009, at 8:54 PM, Dr. Bean wrote:

First of all, I have (414) 555-1234 for his mobile. Second, I was thinking of "7", so you call.

It’s no big deal. It’s actually only 11 there. (you said 11:30 before but you were thinking Eastern time. He’s Central.) Anyway even if you wake him up, he won’t mind. He’s not doing much tomorrow, and it’ll be worth it to confirm he’s OK.

From: Wanderer Sent: Sunday, April 26, 2009 8:57 PM

What?!?! He changed his mobile number and didn't tell me?!?!?!
I thought we were friends!

Forget it. I ain't calling! And I'm not really that interested in the pager story anymore either!
Sheesh....

From: Wanderer

Sent: Sunday, April 26, 2009 9:09 PM

Hey wait. I have a better idea!

Let's start sending him emails with really large attachments until we completely max out his mailbox and fill it to the gills. That'll teach him!

I'm gonna go first and send him that Japanese video about how to fold a matzah.

From: Dr. Bean

It’s too late. I’m getting tired. I still have a bunch of work to do but it’s hard to concentrate knowing that Mark is probably dead. Here’s how sad I am:

The Facebook Haggadah

This is hysterical.

HT to Fudge.

I wish I had the time/talent to do stuff like this.

Battlestar Galactica Finale Impressions

OK, altogether now:

BSG Finale:


W-T-F !!!!!!????

Spoilers in comments

Things That Are Hard To Do

 Things That Are Hard To Do:

A 2nd Grade assignment

by The PT



1. tHE monky barse

2. deelling witH the ViRUS DAtA BaSS

3.  doing the longrye

4.  taking a shawr

5.  Spelling words

6.  wateing.

7.  geting cabl

8.  playing OblivEin

9.  coloring with a Drid-out marckr

10.  Bascit Ball

Album Available at Amazon.com

Yep, you can get us at Amazon.com too:

So now there are three ways to get the album:

1.  Amazon

2.  Get the CD from Moshe Skier .com

3.  iTunes

What are you waiting for?!

We're Up on iTunes

You can easily buy tracks or the whole album on iTunes now!

Chicago Gig this Weekend

The Band is playing at the Young Israel of West Rogers Park on

Saturday Night, January 3rd at 8:30 PM sharp!

We'll have the new CDs there for sale!

Hope to see some of you (say hi if you're a blogger)

Third Annual Christmahannukawanzaakah Concert

And my third annual entry into this noble enterprise is a new song I recorded over the weekend for Channukah. Go visit!

(Look for "Mi Yimalel")

The Album is Done!

After months of work, The Band's new album is finally done!

It can be ordered online here.

You'll find all-new recordings of these songs:


1. Shoshanas Yaakov- yes, MSB's signature song (an early version was featured on 2007's Muqata Radio Purim Podcast), this is an original composition influenced heavily by Rush, Clapton, and Ringo Starr. How is this possible? Buy the album and find out! Described by Yitzchak Halevi as "maybe the best Jewish rock tune I have heard to date. That, Let It Rain feel. Great guitar sound...killer bass line to boot."

2. Amar Hashem- Another MSB original, an acoustic strummer with layers of lush guitar work, violin and mandolin, and a polyrhythm out of Led Zeppelin.

3. Light Up- A cover of the Himmelman/Broza Channukah song (our live video was featured in 2007's Christmahanukwanzaakah Concert hosted by our friend Neil Kramer). Current version with a kinda Southern Rock feel crossed with some funk.

4. Hashkivenu- A song I wrote with a peaceful, easy feeling. Cross between The Eagles, Fleetwood Mac, with a little Jerry Garcia somewhere in there.

5. Jonah- Our cover of Shlock Rock's parody of Brian Setzer's cover of Lou Prima's song. 'Nuff said.

6. Baruch Hashem- Reggae, mon. This was one of the earliest Jewish Reggae songs, originally released on Shlock Rock's Lenny and the Shlockers. This version features the original, Police-themed riff that I wrote for the song.

7. Tzama- We've been playing this song for a while now, and it's about time it got recorded right! A Joe Walsh-like blues take on the traditional Chabad tune. As a Blogging aside, veteran blogger Velvel's review of the Chicago show where we played this led to my becoming the blogger I am today. Or at least the one I was a few years ago.

8. Aniyah- And speaking of this blog, if you've been reading it for a while, you no doubt remember the acoustic version of this song when I wrote it just after Hurricane Katrina. Well, we've rerecorded it, and all I can say is, you're in for a BIG SURPRISE.

9. Im Ain Ani- A little Texas Blues, inspired by the late great Stevie Ray Vaghan.

10. Nachamu- The Carlebach song is tucked nicely into this slow blues tune that has a Pink Floyd feel to it.

Plus bonus versions of songs we recorded in the past:

11. Horeini- a walking bassline a la the Pretender's "Back to Ohio" forms the backbone of this song about walking in the path of Hashem.

12. Ki Vo Yismach- Probably the one song on the album that's not from our live act, and is sung by our former keyboard player, but I love the arrangement so much that I had to include it. The violin part is absolutely beautiful. Completely remastered for this release.

13. Mizmor Ledovid/Freeway- This one is a favorite at shows, and we've been known to sneak all kinds of classic rock riffs into it. Enjoy the remastered original (the arrangement is based on Menachem Herman's version from Metallish, and is used with his permission).

MAKES FOR A GREAT CHANNUKAH GIFT

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??

Oh, and

THIS ALBUM IS NOT AVAILABLE IN ANY STORES!!

ACT NOW!!

LIMITED QUANTITIES AVAILABLE!!

THE FIRST 250 PEOPLE TO ORDER WILL ACTUALLY GET AN ALBUM!!!!

Brutal Honesty

I'm on my bike, watching my 30 minute allotment of Master and Commander that my wife picked up for under $5 on Black Friday. On the comfy chair is Iguana, and on the floor rocker is The PT, covered in an Afghan.

We're enjoying the picture, commenting on the 19th Century clothing, the peculiar speech, and the Naval procedings going on on screen. The PT is asking good questions and making (for her) appropriate comments.

My bike beeps, and I turn off the movie.

ME: OK, guys, we have to stop for now. We'll finish the movie tomorrow.

The PT: Nope.

ME: What?

The PT: NOPE.

ME: Don't you want to finish movie tomorrow?

The PT: NOPE.

ME: Why not? I thought you liked it.

The PT: I don't. I was just watching because there was nothing else to do.

I Hate Getting Dressed In the Dark

Black pants and brown socks.

That's just pathetic.

The Reports of My Blog's Death are Greatly Exaggerated

Be careful what you wish for.

Behold!

I am emerging from my Dungeon where I have been immersed for the past 4 months in various non-Blogging and a few non-Bloggable activities.

Yes, I hear your taunting and your whining.

Where are you, PT?

Write up some more goofy The PT stories!

We need advice on raising our infants/toddlers/teenagers!!

We want more Cro-Magnon Man!

Complain about your shul!

Well TOO FREAKIN' BADDDDDD!!!

It is NOT my job to entertain you, and cause coffee to spray from your nose, and make you feel better about your kids because they can spell correctly and don't say "Holy Crap" all day long and write opuses about Sailor Moon!!

Where am I??  I'm in freakin' Wisconsin!!  That's where I am!  That's where I've been this whole time!  I work for a living!  I (occasionally) go to shul and kollel and do laundry and get involved in snow-related traffic catastrophes!

More The PT stories?  There is no shortage of The PT stories in the blogosphere, believe-you-me!  Look at all my kids blogs and you'll never have to worry about a coffee-free nose again.  Besides, she's seven now and she can probably just write her own stories.

You want my advice about child rearing?  Well, you're SOL, my friend!  Raising kids is a lot like playing Poker.  Especially teenagers.  And my kids read this blog.  So to strain the metaphor even further, telling you how to raise your teenagers would be like playing Poker while showing everyone your hand.  So forget it!  You're on your own!  Lotsa luck with that!

Miss Cro Magnon Man?  Well, my wife sure doesn't. Cro Magnon Man is a bear to live with and he stinks up the bathroom, to boot.  I think we're all much happier that that cranky coot has up and left.  Besides, Rock Star Dude is much more fun.

You want me to complain about my shul?  I got a better idea!  Go complain about your OWN shul!  What, you think my issues are unique?  Go spend every morning at the crack of dawn with a bunch of bleary-eyed, yawning guys who are late for work and see how much you enjoy minyan.

So, does that mean this blog is DEAD?

Hardly.

I'm going to use it to discuss....

....my MUSIC!!

WAIT JUST ONE MINUTE!

Where do you think YOU'RE going??

You think I don't know what goes on around here?

I make fun of my kids or my shul and you guys are smiling and laughing and slapping my back and all best friends and you-da-man-PT, but as soon as I mention my music it's all crickets!

Well, I'm a musician.  Period.  I've been a musician much longer than I've been a doctor, or a father, or a husband, or a kvetchy shliach tzibur.  And I'm going to be a musician until the day I die.  I'm going to be that guy in the nursing home who drags people into my room to listen to my MP3s, when everyone else has moved on to direct auditory cortex stimulators, the guy who keeps pining for the old days of Punk and Alternative Rock when everyone else is listening to weird atonic electronic bleeps in their flying cars.

You guys can take it or leave it.  You're all a bunch of cheapskates, any way.  You want to know how many bloggers bought my last two albums?? (Yeah you see them right there in the side bar)??

One.

But to be fair, she bought it a few times.

But still.

The truth is I've found a good outlet for my creative energies, and I'm getting ready to release what is probably the best album I've ever recorded, and I'm very proud of what I and my band mates have created.

So if you're interested in being a part of it, stick around.

If not, I'm sure I'll run into you in the nursing home one day.  

Oh and if you feel a stalkerish need to follow my every move, you can look me up on facebook.

Help Save Baby Gili

I usually don't take requests but this appeal from a fellow blogger is legitimate and is a worthy cause.

In early August 2008, Baby Gili Rossler was born in Israel with a rare
tracheal problem, a life-threatening situation that causes severe tracheal
constriction -- and only one lung.The combination of these two conditions is
extremely dangerous and causes a constant deterioration in her ability to
breathe and to the supply of oxygen to her body.

Her Israeli doctors gave her parents the horrible news that little Baby
Gili had no chance to survive.

A surgical procedure has been recently developed for the treatment of this
condition.Only two medical centers in the world have experience in the
performance of this procedure:One in London (where three procedures were
performed with a 70% success rate) and one in Chicago (ten procedures with an
80% success rate).

Under the instructions of the treating physician Dr. Tommy M. Schonfeld,
Director of Pediatric ICU, Schneider Children's Medical Center of Israel, the
procedure must be performed urgently!

The cost of this procedure, is prohibitive and only half is covered by
Israeli medical insurance, not to mention the necessary ambulatory
flights...

See here for more info and updates. Please help if you can!

New Version of "Shoshanas Yaakov" on Myspace

Yes, you read it right--it's Purim in Elul!

Seriously, The Band is working on a new album, and I'm too excited about the progress not to leak a little to the public.

So there's a new "rough mix*" of Shoshanas Yaakov (MSB's "signature" song, if you will) up on the Myspace page, where you can listen all you want.

http://www.myspace.com/mosheskierband

Let me know what you think!

Sunday is a mega-drum recording session for me.

WARNING: This music is NOT KOSHER. It features guitar, "bendy notes", and improper use of bass. However, boruch Hashem, there is no "Devil's flute" or "2/4" beat.


*a "rough mix" is a quick mix of music tracks usually done after a recording session to give the producer something to listen to. I aways thought it would make a great album title.